Macaroni Salad 2: Through the Portal of Time
Hey, there he is! Beastmaster, over here! Put 'er there...
Oh... Beastmaster, this is my wife Sharon. Honey, this is Beastmaster. Just transferred from the home office. Works in accounts payable. Great guy -- wicked back swing. At least, from what I've heard! Ha!
Can we get you a refill there, Beastmaster? This? Oh, yeah, it's half lemonade and half iced tea. Folks call it an "Arnold Palmer." What do you mean, "What is this... lemonade... you speak of?" It's, uh... like... the juice of lemons, with water. And... uh, sugar. Here, just try it --
Whoa! That's a live ferret you got there! He just kinda hangs out in that leather satchel all day? Honey, did you get a look at this? Guy's got a ferret in some kind of bindle around his waist -- whup! There's two! Wild. Just... just wild.
Okay, hon... catch up with you later. She's probably chasing after our youngest, Thad. Gets into all kinds of trouble. You have kids of your own? No? Well, consider yourself lucky, my friend! A man with no family is a man with no worries. Heh.
I'm sorry? No, I don't think that's a dishonorable thing to say. C'mon. Just joshing.
So, anyways... I appreciate you coming out, Beastmaster. Trust me, I been through that whole rigamarole before -- new town, new office, new co-workers. But same old company picnics! Ha! Wife says I've gotta stop welcoming new hires this way, 'cause it's murder on the ol' midsection! "Mitch, I think you just look for excuses to let yourself go." Hey-oh! She's got my number, that's for sure!
We're in therapy. Together. Well, I went for me... and the doctor said she should come for a few, uh... sessions. I think we're making progress.
Whew.
Yeah. So...
Weather's a bit nicer than we thought -- Mark! Mark! C'mere, man. Meet Beastmaster. Just transferred from, uh, I'm sorry -- where was that? Arrok? Yeah, I think that's near Middleview, Mark.
So, anyways... Beastmaster, this is Mark Rutledge. Works over in payroll. So... you might wanna pucker up and start kissing his butt right now! Ha ha!
No, I didn't mean to insinuate anything, Beastmaster. It was just an expression. Mark, you takin' off? Save me a brew-dog!
Hmm. Alright.
You know, we're not technically allowed to have alcohol at company functions, but if Old Man McClendon ain't around, what's the harm, right? It's like I always say: when the cat's away, the mice will -- what's that? No, not an actual cat. Like if McClendon was a cat, and we were the -- forget about it. Not important. Point is, we like to have a little fun. Keeps things light --
Janice! Janice! Hey! Come and press the flesh with our new man in accounts paya -- alright, we'll catch up with you later, then. Great gal.
She's had a lot of personal problems this past year. But you'll get that, from time to time. I mentioned family before, and that was all in jest, but one thing I like people to feel is that their co-workers can function as an extended family of sorts. Really.
You know, if you're ever having a tough time, the door's always open. And trust me -- I've heard it all before.
I used to be the head-down, no-looking-back guy in the office. Mr. Focus. Yeah, I know what you're thinking. But, yes... me.
Then I had a, well, the doc called it a "minor cardiac episode." Didn't feel so minor when I was on my hands and knees in the kitchen, gasping for air! You know? Yeah, we all have close calls. And we all pull ourselves out, one way or the --
Yes, that is a very impressive blade. You had much use for that, uh, thing? Really?
So, I was saying that we all get into scrapes in this life, and as long as you've -- hmm? Sorry? No, never. Yeah, I've never fallen in a pit of quicksand. Heh. Yeah, I guess that is sort of... amusing.
Anyways, I got out of the hospital and one of the first things McClendon does is send me on one of these corporate retreats. I don't gotta tell you how dull them damned things are -- you know.
Hmm?
No, this was actually just outside Myrtle Beach. Yeah, the uh, the Courtyard by Marriott they got down there. At, uh, Barefoot Landing, I think? Does that sound right? I'm gettin' off-topic here.
But what they tell us at the retreat is this, pure and simple: a happy employee is a productive employee. I mean, we've always thought that. I don't need a guy in laminated nametag to tell me that!
Huh? Yeah, laminated. Like, clear plastic... you know. Uh, yeah, and a small piece of paper with your name on it, and title, office location. Uh...
But yeah, like a family. Family is important.
What's that? Really? I... no, I was not aware of your family's history. Jeez. Slaughtered by a wizard? Are you... are you sure? Wow. Umm --
Wait a minute. Born from a cow? You actually grew inside the womb... of a cow. No, I... I believe you, Beastmaster. Sure.
Yeah, I imagine that would instill in you some sort of mystical bond with the animal world. Some kind of telepathic connection, enabling you to, uh, well... I guess, commune with creatures of every sort -- hey! Have you tried this potato salad? Maureen hits us with this every picnic, and I think it just gets better every darn time. Not too much mustard. And yes, that is dill you taste. Yeah... you talk about a mystical connection! Ha!
I apologize. No, I was not making light of your story, Beastmaster. I would never dream of doing such a thing -- there he is! Thaddie, c'mere! Ha! C'mere! C'mere.
Just come here.
Because I want you to meet someone. Two seconds, Thaddie, that's all it takes. Christ, I'm not asking for the world here.
Thad, this is Beastmaster. Yes, we all know he's not wearing a shirt, Thaddie. Don't be rude.
That's not a diaper, son. They call it a loincloth. Alright, go play. Hmm? No, I... I don't know why Mommy needs the keys to the Astro van. Well, Daddy has them right now. Okay? Thaddie, you see Mommy, you tell her that Daddy will hold on to the keys until he's good and ready to -- alright, bye bye.
Kids. Heh.
Sorry 'bout that... you know, they're just curious. Uh... yeah, I suppose. Inquisitive like the first newt of spring. I guess you could say that.
It's a good community, around here. Cranmar is a good place to raise 'em. I mean, should you ever travel down that dark path! Ha.
Nope. Not an actual dark path. Just a... just a turn of phrase. Huh? Eye of Braxus, you say. Yeah, that sounds... just, uh... wild. I'm sure that was a handful.
Yes, I'm sure you could handle it all very well. Yeah, yeah. The, uh... the prophesy. Sometimes I wonder if there's a kind of, as you say, prophesy... for, for each of us. Really? No, I never thought of it that way. You're an interesting guy, Beastmaster. I think you're gonna fit in just fine.
Yo, Friedman! Friedman, over here!
Yeah, check out my new racquetball partner, buddy! Uh huh, that's right! Yep, you and Loomis are goin' down!
Oh... Beastmaster, this is my wife Sharon. Honey, this is Beastmaster. Just transferred from the home office. Works in accounts payable. Great guy -- wicked back swing. At least, from what I've heard! Ha!
Can we get you a refill there, Beastmaster? This? Oh, yeah, it's half lemonade and half iced tea. Folks call it an "Arnold Palmer." What do you mean, "What is this... lemonade... you speak of?" It's, uh... like... the juice of lemons, with water. And... uh, sugar. Here, just try it --
Whoa! That's a live ferret you got there! He just kinda hangs out in that leather satchel all day? Honey, did you get a look at this? Guy's got a ferret in some kind of bindle around his waist -- whup! There's two! Wild. Just... just wild.
Okay, hon... catch up with you later. She's probably chasing after our youngest, Thad. Gets into all kinds of trouble. You have kids of your own? No? Well, consider yourself lucky, my friend! A man with no family is a man with no worries. Heh.
I'm sorry? No, I don't think that's a dishonorable thing to say. C'mon. Just joshing.
So, anyways... I appreciate you coming out, Beastmaster. Trust me, I been through that whole rigamarole before -- new town, new office, new co-workers. But same old company picnics! Ha! Wife says I've gotta stop welcoming new hires this way, 'cause it's murder on the ol' midsection! "Mitch, I think you just look for excuses to let yourself go." Hey-oh! She's got my number, that's for sure!
We're in therapy. Together. Well, I went for me... and the doctor said she should come for a few, uh... sessions. I think we're making progress.
Whew.
Yeah. So...
Weather's a bit nicer than we thought -- Mark! Mark! C'mere, man. Meet Beastmaster. Just transferred from, uh, I'm sorry -- where was that? Arrok? Yeah, I think that's near Middleview, Mark.
So, anyways... Beastmaster, this is Mark Rutledge. Works over in payroll. So... you might wanna pucker up and start kissing his butt right now! Ha ha!
No, I didn't mean to insinuate anything, Beastmaster. It was just an expression. Mark, you takin' off? Save me a brew-dog!
Hmm. Alright.
You know, we're not technically allowed to have alcohol at company functions, but if Old Man McClendon ain't around, what's the harm, right? It's like I always say: when the cat's away, the mice will -- what's that? No, not an actual cat. Like if McClendon was a cat, and we were the -- forget about it. Not important. Point is, we like to have a little fun. Keeps things light --
Janice! Janice! Hey! Come and press the flesh with our new man in accounts paya -- alright, we'll catch up with you later, then. Great gal.
She's had a lot of personal problems this past year. But you'll get that, from time to time. I mentioned family before, and that was all in jest, but one thing I like people to feel is that their co-workers can function as an extended family of sorts. Really.
You know, if you're ever having a tough time, the door's always open. And trust me -- I've heard it all before.
I used to be the head-down, no-looking-back guy in the office. Mr. Focus. Yeah, I know what you're thinking. But, yes... me.
Then I had a, well, the doc called it a "minor cardiac episode." Didn't feel so minor when I was on my hands and knees in the kitchen, gasping for air! You know? Yeah, we all have close calls. And we all pull ourselves out, one way or the --
Yes, that is a very impressive blade. You had much use for that, uh, thing? Really?
So, I was saying that we all get into scrapes in this life, and as long as you've -- hmm? Sorry? No, never. Yeah, I've never fallen in a pit of quicksand. Heh. Yeah, I guess that is sort of... amusing.
Anyways, I got out of the hospital and one of the first things McClendon does is send me on one of these corporate retreats. I don't gotta tell you how dull them damned things are -- you know.
Hmm?
No, this was actually just outside Myrtle Beach. Yeah, the uh, the Courtyard by Marriott they got down there. At, uh, Barefoot Landing, I think? Does that sound right? I'm gettin' off-topic here.
But what they tell us at the retreat is this, pure and simple: a happy employee is a productive employee. I mean, we've always thought that. I don't need a guy in laminated nametag to tell me that!
Huh? Yeah, laminated. Like, clear plastic... you know. Uh, yeah, and a small piece of paper with your name on it, and title, office location. Uh...
But yeah, like a family. Family is important.
What's that? Really? I... no, I was not aware of your family's history. Jeez. Slaughtered by a wizard? Are you... are you sure? Wow. Umm --
Wait a minute. Born from a cow? You actually grew inside the womb... of a cow. No, I... I believe you, Beastmaster. Sure.
Yeah, I imagine that would instill in you some sort of mystical bond with the animal world. Some kind of telepathic connection, enabling you to, uh, well... I guess, commune with creatures of every sort -- hey! Have you tried this potato salad? Maureen hits us with this every picnic, and I think it just gets better every darn time. Not too much mustard. And yes, that is dill you taste. Yeah... you talk about a mystical connection! Ha!
I apologize. No, I was not making light of your story, Beastmaster. I would never dream of doing such a thing -- there he is! Thaddie, c'mere! Ha! C'mere! C'mere.
Just come here.
Because I want you to meet someone. Two seconds, Thaddie, that's all it takes. Christ, I'm not asking for the world here.
Thad, this is Beastmaster. Yes, we all know he's not wearing a shirt, Thaddie. Don't be rude.
That's not a diaper, son. They call it a loincloth. Alright, go play. Hmm? No, I... I don't know why Mommy needs the keys to the Astro van. Well, Daddy has them right now. Okay? Thaddie, you see Mommy, you tell her that Daddy will hold on to the keys until he's good and ready to -- alright, bye bye.
Kids. Heh.
Sorry 'bout that... you know, they're just curious. Uh... yeah, I suppose. Inquisitive like the first newt of spring. I guess you could say that.
It's a good community, around here. Cranmar is a good place to raise 'em. I mean, should you ever travel down that dark path! Ha.
Nope. Not an actual dark path. Just a... just a turn of phrase. Huh? Eye of Braxus, you say. Yeah, that sounds... just, uh... wild. I'm sure that was a handful.
Yes, I'm sure you could handle it all very well. Yeah, yeah. The, uh... the prophesy. Sometimes I wonder if there's a kind of, as you say, prophesy... for, for each of us. Really? No, I never thought of it that way. You're an interesting guy, Beastmaster. I think you're gonna fit in just fine.
Yo, Friedman! Friedman, over here!
Yeah, check out my new racquetball partner, buddy! Uh huh, that's right! Yep, you and Loomis are goin' down!
posted by Brad Stevens at 11:12 AM
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