From the Land of Sky Blue Waters and Blackened Liver Tissue

I recently had the supreme honor of visiting the Miller Brewery in Milwaukee. I was in town for just a few days, so I assume they bumped a few visiting dignitaries from the tour waiting list to accommodate me. "I'm sorry, Prime Minister Berlusconi, you'll have to wait. And French Culture Minister Renaud Donnedieu de Vabre? Yes, please just take a seat. We have a young man here in a slightly stained t-shirt and flip-flops who absolutely must be given admittance. You too, Mr. Zmed. We'll be with you shortly."

The appeal of the Miller Brewery tour -- and pretty much any brewery tour, I assume -- is not the in-depth description of the brewing process (I don't want to ruin it for you, but it involves hops, boiling, and something that looks like a shuffleboard cue), the detailed history of the company from its humble beginnings (in a small cottage in either Germany, Austria, or Kenosha), or even the historical bottles and cans on display in the brewery lobby. (Get the camera! They've got pull-tops! Remember those?) Yes. Remember when it was slightly less easy to open a can of beer? Those were indeed the Dark Ages.

"Are you tellin' me we can land a sonofabitch in a foil diaper on the time-ravaged surface of our Moon, but I gotta strain to open this 12 ounces of Hamm's? Women can exercise their right to vote, but I work nine hours a day building brake parts only to come home to a beverage container which mocks my very masculinity? We can engineer complex band saws to help the production designer of TV's "Laugh-In" more fully realize his artistic vision, but I almost risk slicing open my forefinger on this Hudepohl? This country's going to hell!"

No, the appeal of the legendary Miller Brewery tour is not the salty nuggets of alcohol-related wisdom but, naturally, the promise of alcohol itself. They give you free beer at the summation of the journey. In the case of Miller, they provide you with three (3) individual samples of fresh brew, of approximately eight (8) ounces each.

Just how "fresh" this beer actually is could be a point of contention, if you're the type to argue with Mr. Free Beer. But I wouldn't really get Mr. Free Beer wound up. He's been known to be polite and talkative for a while, then he'll clam up for an hour or so if his team isn't doing so hot. If you complain to Mr. Free Beer at this point, you're liable to get a billiard rack right in the ol' eye socket.

My friends and I had many theories regarding the origin of the free beer samples, in the period of excitement just before said samples were issued.

1.) It comes straight out of the Giant Beer Holding Tanks! Yes, it's like Willy Wonka! You can rest your distended belly against the cool brass exterior of the Wondrous Suds Tanks and suckle directly from the teat of Mother Beer! This will be the best beer we've ever had!

2.) Buxom blondes in leiderhosen will actually feed us the beer! It will be poured into a series of ever-more-impressive containers! Lyndon B. Johnson's personal beer stein, on loan from his Presidential Library! The actual prop goblet used by Rutger Hauer in "Ladyhawke!" Maybe even the Holy Grail itself! Beer will never be this blasphemously delicious again!

3.) We're not sure, but for some reason, Dabney Coleman and a perfectly cooked prime rib will somehow be involved! Oh, the stories he'll have! Yes, pour another Leinenkugel's and tell us more stories from the set of "Buffalo Bill!" Oh, ecstasy!

4.) They will check our IDs, give us paper wristbands, and then hand us three plastic cups of beer that will come out of kegs. Yes, the same kegs like Dave had at his 22nd birthday. Yeah, the one when Tricia fell down the stairs.

Theory number 4 is the one that proved true, aside from the Dave and Tricia details. Again, I am not one to look askance at Mr. Free Beer, so it was all the same to me. The thing you have to appreciate, fear, or merely shake your head in disgust at, is that the very concept of free beer samples at a brewery encourages drinking and driving.

Sure, you'd have to be a bit of a lightweight to be impaired after drinking 24 ounces of beer. But still, it's not as if any of the people in attendance chanced upon the Miller Brewery while out for a leisurely stroll. "Me and Sherrie and the kids, we was just walking around this lovely forest, looking for a spot to enjoy a picnic lunch, when suddenly, the Flying Miller Monkeys descended upon us. Luckily, I was able to reason with the alpha flying monkey, and he led us back to this fantastical place, from whence Little Baby Beer is born!"

This was two in the afternoon on a Saturday. These are people willing to sit through a 90-minute walking tour for two free beers. And I, heart swelling with pride, was among them. I am, after all, not one of your garden-variety dirty Commies.

But yeah, you drink this beer and then are basically set loose. Out of all the SUVs and family cars in the Miller Brewery Tour Parking Lot, I observed that not a single one, on close inspection, was made of marshmallow or styrofoam packing peanuts. So the idea of all these pink-cheeked beer lovers set loose on the highways of Wisconsin with boiled hop nectar in their stomachs was a bit unsettling. For some of them, it was sure to be known as The Day Daddy Yelled Very Loud About the Triple-A Map Directions and Then Left Us in the Parking Lot of Arby's.

The road from the Free Beer Pavilion winds around the Beer-Making Building and the Older, Historic Beer-Making Building, and even passes by the Really Old Beer Storage Caves. (Just so you know -- underground caverns aren't just for Batman anymore. You can also stuff them with ice and store beer for months at a time! Months, I tell ya! At least, that's what our 17-year-old tour guide told us.) Then, you head back from where you came, and arrive at... the Beer Gift Shop.

Then, it all becomes clear. The beer was merely a lubricant for the inevitable impulse buy. Because the fine people at Miller, like all purveyors of alcohol, know one thing: beer makes you do stuff.

- Beer #1: This is just the Social Beer. You don't want to be an old lady, after all. But this is it. Just a taste and it's back home -- you've got work in the morning, after all. Don't you?

- Beer #2: This is the twin brother of Social Beer. Since he is a twin, he arrives minutes later, and will grow up to be much more annoying than his brother.

- Beer #3: Now you are swearing off all previous anti-drinking statements. The time you met that really nice girl at that party, but you had one too many Bud Ices and the last time she saw you, your head was hanging out of a car going 70 miles per hour, a rivulet of vomit clinging stubbornly to your chin? Then you swore on a King James version of the Bible to "never again" allow that to happen? Oh, you just forgot all about that.

- Beer #4: Now the hardhat goes on. The timecard is punched. The canary goes in the cage.

- Beer #5: Hey, come on! It's Friday! It's not? Tuesday? Really?

- Beer #6: With no awareness of the actual volume of your voice, you tell the story of how you shit your pants on the school bus in fourth grade. A girl seated to your left slowly slides away. You don't notice.

- Beer #7: "Oh, I'll tell you the problem with a two-party political system, my friend. Wait. How can they not have 'China Grove' on this jukebox? This is a bar!"

- Beer #8: Hey, come on! It's Saturday! It's not? Tuesday? Are you sure?

- Beer #9: If you have friends and a cellphone, then the phone will be taken away from you. If you succeed in getting it back, the battery will be removed and given to the bartender. You will be distracted about the missing battery by either the Photo Hunt game, or, depending on the type of beer you're drinking, the lights of Golden Tee 2003.

- Beer #10: "You guys remember that movie that was sponsored by Glad Bags? 'Million Dollar Giveaway,' or something? 'Million Dollar Mystery!' Yeah, that's the one! Wait, I lost my train of thought."

- Beer #11: Your brain leans in close to you and whispers: "Yes, I do think that guy just gave you the finger. You should go talk to him about that. See what he's got to say for himself."

- Beer #12: You relieve yourself for the eighth time tonight. Out of either absent-mindedness or extreme laziness, you don't bother to zip up your fly afterward. This way, it'll just be easier next time, right?

- Beer #13: My God, she's the most amazing thing you've ever seen in your life. Look. Look! She's cleaning up after that guy! She doesn't have to do that -- how nice! Oh, she's the waitress.

So, when you're buzzing off three quick beer samples, and you find yourself in an overly lit gift shop, there's only one thing to do, my friend.

Buy a t-shirt, take the ride.