Good Luck With All the Henching, Man
Hey, congratulations. You've finally completed your Learning Annex course on How to Be a Nameless Lackey/Goon. Here's your complimentary denim vest and Cobray MAC-10 submachine gun. Use both with pride, Terry. But before you go, a few questions, if I may.
Do you know the man you're working for? Really well? Is he an Eastern European drug dealer? An acid-scarred shipping magnate? What's that? He's a microwaveable breakfast treats tycoon-turned-religious zealot?
What about your specific job? What do they demand of you? Will it be primarily to shoot at the hero as he approaches, or are they expecting some mild torture as well? If the hero is being held at gunpoint, and your employer taunts him, will you be required to laugh, possibly while chewing on a toothpick or match?
Hold on there, Doug. Have you even picked a job skill yet? An area of specialization? You gotta take this seriously, man. There's dozens of possible assignments out there in the Henchman/Flunky/Underling/ Stooge/Minion department. If you don't pick the right one, you're gonna find yourself, at the very least, getting kicked in the nuts by Marc Singer. And I think we'd both like to avoid that.
Guy Driving the Limo:
Opt out of this job, if you can. Because there will likely be an incident in the back seat, involving a fight over a gun, and then... you guessed it. You're gonna get shot in the back of the head. So much for that pension plan.
Guy Standing In Front of Several Metal Barrels:
Skip this assignment, too. You will be susceptible to an explosion from behind, which will hurtle you, end over end, probably right toward some other barrels. No, I don't know what those barrels are doing there, either.
Guy with Switchblade:
Man, you went right for that switchblade, didn't ya, Mark? No element of surprise for you; not even an attempt at, "Well, guess what? I've got a... switchblade!" You pulled that thing out of your boot at the BEGINNING of the fight. Well, now you're gonna have your elbow broken back the wrong way, you'll wail like a little girl, and then get thrown into a jukebox. It may even start playing a humorous song at this point. Oh, Switchblade Mark. You've become a joke, even in death.
Guy Firing Gun from Great Height:
What were you even doing all the way up there, Chester? Trying to find the best possible way to get impaled? Well, guess what -- you win! Hopefully you're not near a highly disorganized construction site, an abandoned church, or a tetherball court. But with your luck, you are.
Guy Who Takes on Hero After Hero Has Just Beaten Up Eight Other Guys:
Decided to hang back and see how the fight progressed, huh? Smooth move. See, since the hero has just brutally killed eight other people, your death will be especially gruesome. It's the natural law of things, Paul. So, expect to have your elbow broken the wrong way (yes, again), your nose shoved into your brain, or in some instances, your arm broken off completely and then shoved into your nasal cavity. Where do we send the flowers?
Guy Who Is the Only Female Member of Evil Gang:
At first, this probably seemed like a great idea. You get all the benefits and kickbacks of being a member of the villain's gang, but you're also a woman, and you expect to be spared any harm. Well, you probably didn't notice that the hero has a love interest. If you still haven't picked her out yet, she'll be the person repeatedly kicking you in the face in about forty minutes.
Guy Who Is the Token Gigantic Guy:
Another area of physical specialization, and one which you were pretty confident about selecting. But here's the snag, Hossberry: because of your exaggerated size and the threat you pose, you will die in the most humorous and/or embarrassing way possible. Here's how to know that your death is imminent:
(1) You are large.
(2) The hero made some crack when you walked into the warehouse, something like, "Here we go again," "This is gonna hurt," or simply, "Well, shit."
(3) You have kicked the hero in the stomach two or three times.
Even though it appears that you have the upper hand -- whoops. You've just been strangled by a dog's choke chain. Or maybe crushed by a fifteen-ton storage bin. And in some cases, been dumped into a vat of molten lead. Giant guy played by Tiny "Zeus" Lister, we hardly knew ye.
Guy Who Is the Torturer's Assistant:
You're just doing your job, by handing the guy with the weird accent a series of ice picks, electroshock nodules, and, in a few cases, methed-up garden snakes, for his use against the hero. But your lack of knowledge regarding the affects of sodium pentathol will leave you at quite a disadvantage, Craig. You'll be quickly dispatched, probably by a snapped neck, so that the torturer's tools, in a clever twist, can then be used against him.
Guy Standing Near Spinning Helicopter Blades:
Self-explanatory.
Guy Who Takes a Swing at McCloud:
A classic rookie henchman mistake. McCloud, while a soft-spoken and relatively genial fellow, don't take too kindly to cityfolk getting rowdy and causing a ruckus. You will be punched squarely on the jaw and taken downtown.
Guy Who Gloats to Hero in the Form of Obvious Questions:
What? You're talking? That's not in the job description, Riley. Sure, when you had the hero chained up by his ankles, and you and Byron took turns gut-punching him, all seemed well. Then you had to go and open your mouth: "Who's tough now, huh? HUH?!" You just set yourself up for the quick death/easy one-liner combo. Who's tough now? Not you, kid.
Guy Who Happens to be Asian:
Since you just happen to be Asian, you also just happen to be highly skilled in at least twenty-six forms of martial art. Nunchuka? Gotcha. Kendo sticks? Check. Repeatedly kicking dudes? Yep. You've got all the bases covered. Unfortunately, the guy you're going up against is an alcoholic ex-cop. His piece and shield have been relinquished to the chief. That little kid you've got tied up? That's his only son. And while you will give the ex-cop a run for his money, you're really no match, Kevin. That oughta teach you, for trying to utilize the rich combative history of your ancestors.
Guy with Fancy Weapon:
Boy, I bet you were really happy the day you went down to Costco and picked up that new flamethrower, huh? Or that nifty machine gun/grenade launcher combo. Or even that semi-automatic crossbow. But guess what, Clive? Now it's gonna be used against you, and it's not even completely paid for yet.
Guy Wearing Bolo Tie:
You will have your throat ripped out by Patrick Swayze, or possibly Michael Dudikoff. Actually, that warning was right there, printed clearly on the side of your new bolo tie's packaging.
Guy Who Steals Getaway Vehicle from Nice Old Lady:
Well, you've made several blunders here. For one, you've shown how much of a total jerk you really are, by stealing a car from a nice old lady after committing a crime. And, since you've stolen a car from a nice old lady, it's a Ford LTD. The hero will make you pay for your insolence, probably by throwing a spear-like object (crowbar, javelin, or over-sized novelty toothbrush) through your windshield. This will impale you in the head, and naturally cause the Ford LTD to explode.
Guy Near Construction Crane:
I'm still not sure about this one, but for some reason, you will burst into flame and dive into several carefully arranged cardboard boxes.
So there we go. Just a few pointers for you -- what's that? You don't need to take advice from some old creep with an eyepatch?
Huh? What? You don't even wonder how I got this eyepatch?
Alright, fine. Well, good luck shaking down the residents of that small desert town and seizing control of the old junkyard. I'm sure that'll all work out perfectly for you.
Damned kids.
Do you know the man you're working for? Really well? Is he an Eastern European drug dealer? An acid-scarred shipping magnate? What's that? He's a microwaveable breakfast treats tycoon-turned-religious zealot?
What about your specific job? What do they demand of you? Will it be primarily to shoot at the hero as he approaches, or are they expecting some mild torture as well? If the hero is being held at gunpoint, and your employer taunts him, will you be required to laugh, possibly while chewing on a toothpick or match?
Hold on there, Doug. Have you even picked a job skill yet? An area of specialization? You gotta take this seriously, man. There's dozens of possible assignments out there in the Henchman/Flunky/Underling/ Stooge/Minion department. If you don't pick the right one, you're gonna find yourself, at the very least, getting kicked in the nuts by Marc Singer. And I think we'd both like to avoid that.
Guy Driving the Limo:
Opt out of this job, if you can. Because there will likely be an incident in the back seat, involving a fight over a gun, and then... you guessed it. You're gonna get shot in the back of the head. So much for that pension plan.
Guy Standing In Front of Several Metal Barrels:
Skip this assignment, too. You will be susceptible to an explosion from behind, which will hurtle you, end over end, probably right toward some other barrels. No, I don't know what those barrels are doing there, either.
Guy with Switchblade:
Man, you went right for that switchblade, didn't ya, Mark? No element of surprise for you; not even an attempt at, "Well, guess what? I've got a... switchblade!" You pulled that thing out of your boot at the BEGINNING of the fight. Well, now you're gonna have your elbow broken back the wrong way, you'll wail like a little girl, and then get thrown into a jukebox. It may even start playing a humorous song at this point. Oh, Switchblade Mark. You've become a joke, even in death.
Guy Firing Gun from Great Height:
What were you even doing all the way up there, Chester? Trying to find the best possible way to get impaled? Well, guess what -- you win! Hopefully you're not near a highly disorganized construction site, an abandoned church, or a tetherball court. But with your luck, you are.
Guy Who Takes on Hero After Hero Has Just Beaten Up Eight Other Guys:
Decided to hang back and see how the fight progressed, huh? Smooth move. See, since the hero has just brutally killed eight other people, your death will be especially gruesome. It's the natural law of things, Paul. So, expect to have your elbow broken the wrong way (yes, again), your nose shoved into your brain, or in some instances, your arm broken off completely and then shoved into your nasal cavity. Where do we send the flowers?
Guy Who Is the Only Female Member of Evil Gang:
At first, this probably seemed like a great idea. You get all the benefits and kickbacks of being a member of the villain's gang, but you're also a woman, and you expect to be spared any harm. Well, you probably didn't notice that the hero has a love interest. If you still haven't picked her out yet, she'll be the person repeatedly kicking you in the face in about forty minutes.
Guy Who Is the Token Gigantic Guy:
Another area of physical specialization, and one which you were pretty confident about selecting. But here's the snag, Hossberry: because of your exaggerated size and the threat you pose, you will die in the most humorous and/or embarrassing way possible. Here's how to know that your death is imminent:
(1) You are large.
(2) The hero made some crack when you walked into the warehouse, something like, "Here we go again," "This is gonna hurt," or simply, "Well, shit."
(3) You have kicked the hero in the stomach two or three times.
Even though it appears that you have the upper hand -- whoops. You've just been strangled by a dog's choke chain. Or maybe crushed by a fifteen-ton storage bin. And in some cases, been dumped into a vat of molten lead. Giant guy played by Tiny "Zeus" Lister, we hardly knew ye.
Guy Who Is the Torturer's Assistant:
You're just doing your job, by handing the guy with the weird accent a series of ice picks, electroshock nodules, and, in a few cases, methed-up garden snakes, for his use against the hero. But your lack of knowledge regarding the affects of sodium pentathol will leave you at quite a disadvantage, Craig. You'll be quickly dispatched, probably by a snapped neck, so that the torturer's tools, in a clever twist, can then be used against him.
Guy Standing Near Spinning Helicopter Blades:
Self-explanatory.
Guy Who Takes a Swing at McCloud:
A classic rookie henchman mistake. McCloud, while a soft-spoken and relatively genial fellow, don't take too kindly to cityfolk getting rowdy and causing a ruckus. You will be punched squarely on the jaw and taken downtown.
Guy Who Gloats to Hero in the Form of Obvious Questions:
What? You're talking? That's not in the job description, Riley. Sure, when you had the hero chained up by his ankles, and you and Byron took turns gut-punching him, all seemed well. Then you had to go and open your mouth: "Who's tough now, huh? HUH?!" You just set yourself up for the quick death/easy one-liner combo. Who's tough now? Not you, kid.
Guy Who Happens to be Asian:
Since you just happen to be Asian, you also just happen to be highly skilled in at least twenty-six forms of martial art. Nunchuka? Gotcha. Kendo sticks? Check. Repeatedly kicking dudes? Yep. You've got all the bases covered. Unfortunately, the guy you're going up against is an alcoholic ex-cop. His piece and shield have been relinquished to the chief. That little kid you've got tied up? That's his only son. And while you will give the ex-cop a run for his money, you're really no match, Kevin. That oughta teach you, for trying to utilize the rich combative history of your ancestors.
Guy with Fancy Weapon:
Boy, I bet you were really happy the day you went down to Costco and picked up that new flamethrower, huh? Or that nifty machine gun/grenade launcher combo. Or even that semi-automatic crossbow. But guess what, Clive? Now it's gonna be used against you, and it's not even completely paid for yet.
Guy Wearing Bolo Tie:
You will have your throat ripped out by Patrick Swayze, or possibly Michael Dudikoff. Actually, that warning was right there, printed clearly on the side of your new bolo tie's packaging.
Guy Who Steals Getaway Vehicle from Nice Old Lady:
Well, you've made several blunders here. For one, you've shown how much of a total jerk you really are, by stealing a car from a nice old lady after committing a crime. And, since you've stolen a car from a nice old lady, it's a Ford LTD. The hero will make you pay for your insolence, probably by throwing a spear-like object (crowbar, javelin, or over-sized novelty toothbrush) through your windshield. This will impale you in the head, and naturally cause the Ford LTD to explode.
Guy Near Construction Crane:
I'm still not sure about this one, but for some reason, you will burst into flame and dive into several carefully arranged cardboard boxes.
So there we go. Just a few pointers for you -- what's that? You don't need to take advice from some old creep with an eyepatch?
Huh? What? You don't even wonder how I got this eyepatch?
Alright, fine. Well, good luck shaking down the residents of that small desert town and seizing control of the old junkyard. I'm sure that'll all work out perfectly for you.
Damned kids.
posted by Brad Stevens at 12:00 PM
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