Sure, the Chicken's Tasty, But Where's This Fellatio I Was Promised?
Everyone's heard of Chicken Fries, right? Right, kids?
Yes, Burger King recently unveiled an atrocity upon all humankind known as Chicken Fries. See, they're these chicken strips that are... wait for it... more slender than you have any reason to expect chicken strips to be! They are... yes, yes... almost French Fry in shape! Yet they are not comprised of starchy tuber strips, but... chicken! They are French Fries-shaped chicken!
They are Chicken Fries!
I can't be sure, but I think that legendary screenwriter Paddy Chayevsky predicted Chicken Fries in a scene that was removed from the final cut of "Network." Faye Dunaway kept sneering at the Chicken Fries, and there was a long Ned Beatty monologue about the Chicken Fries, and it was all very unpleasant.
I remember riding around with my Granpa Stevens one time, and he said something like, "I wonder what George Washington would think if he traveled to our time period, and took a look around. What would he think about all the cars? And how many houses there are? And... power lines, and airplanes. What would he have to say about those?"
So now, I drive past a Burger King and I see the banners advertising the Chicken Fries, and to paraphrase Granpa, I wonder what the hell George Washington would say. Or William Henry Harrison. Or even Millard Fillmore.
(I like that Granpa's theory of presidential observation revolved around time travel. I think in that scenario, the ability to hurtle across time and space would probably trump all other human accomplishments. "Yes, Mr. President, you've traveled to the future, by means too complicated to explain. We understand it's all very exciting. But behold, a flying steel bird that we call The Great Aeroplane!")
So here comes poor Rutherford B. Hayes, dazed and naked and stumbling out of a cloud of smoke and blue lightning, into 2005:
"Where... where am I?"
"Mr. President, welcome to your beloved United States of America, in the year 2005. I realize you are probably still reeling from your trip through the space-time continuum."
"My trousers, and my waistcoat... where are... they?..."
"Ah, yes. The nudity. Well, we've found that metal objects can interfere with the time travel process. Plus, this way you can pretend you're in 'The Terminator.'"
"'The... Terma...? What are you saying, kind sir?"
"It's a popular photoplay -- oh, there's so much to get you caught up on!"
"So, this is the future..."
"Indeed. Mr. President, today you will be witness to the amazing accomplishments and heady advancements of human beings. Truly, this is an age of wonder. There is no mystery that lies unsolved, no skill that is unmastered, no feat that cannot be achieved. Hey, how's about some Chicken Fries?"
"Why, this foodstuff is shaped like the fried potatoes I sampled on a recent trip to Paris -- and yet it is comprised entirely of the flesh of the common chicken! Future, I LOVE YOU!"
Oh, and that fellatio thing? Well, Burger King decided to market these Chicken Fries with a fake metal band named... here it comes... Coq Roq. Because if anything will make you want to buy and consume Chicken Fries, it's a fake metal band that speaks only on behalf of large fast-food chains.
Then, Burger King got into some trouble with parent groups. It seems their website for the fake band featured fake Polaroids of fake "Coq Roq groupies" -- these were actual attractive young women seen devouring Chicken Fries -- accompanied by captions like "Girls Love Coq." Yeah. Good stuff. Also, as a bonus, they referred to the gals as "Chicken Heads." Some magazine told me that this is a hip-hop term denoting a young lady with a inclination towards performing oral sex on the fellas.
So, just in case you're not already revolted by the very existence of Chicken Fries, there's a casual sexual suggestion and some objectification of women thrown in there, just to seal the deal. Way to go, Burger King. Here's your medal. Now can I get a strawberry milkshake for my man James K. Polk here? And how's about some pants for the guy, if you got 'em?
Yes, Burger King recently unveiled an atrocity upon all humankind known as Chicken Fries. See, they're these chicken strips that are... wait for it... more slender than you have any reason to expect chicken strips to be! They are... yes, yes... almost French Fry in shape! Yet they are not comprised of starchy tuber strips, but... chicken! They are French Fries-shaped chicken!
They are Chicken Fries!
I can't be sure, but I think that legendary screenwriter Paddy Chayevsky predicted Chicken Fries in a scene that was removed from the final cut of "Network." Faye Dunaway kept sneering at the Chicken Fries, and there was a long Ned Beatty monologue about the Chicken Fries, and it was all very unpleasant.
I remember riding around with my Granpa Stevens one time, and he said something like, "I wonder what George Washington would think if he traveled to our time period, and took a look around. What would he think about all the cars? And how many houses there are? And... power lines, and airplanes. What would he have to say about those?"
So now, I drive past a Burger King and I see the banners advertising the Chicken Fries, and to paraphrase Granpa, I wonder what the hell George Washington would say. Or William Henry Harrison. Or even Millard Fillmore.
(I like that Granpa's theory of presidential observation revolved around time travel. I think in that scenario, the ability to hurtle across time and space would probably trump all other human accomplishments. "Yes, Mr. President, you've traveled to the future, by means too complicated to explain. We understand it's all very exciting. But behold, a flying steel bird that we call The Great Aeroplane!")
So here comes poor Rutherford B. Hayes, dazed and naked and stumbling out of a cloud of smoke and blue lightning, into 2005:
"Where... where am I?"
"Mr. President, welcome to your beloved United States of America, in the year 2005. I realize you are probably still reeling from your trip through the space-time continuum."
"My trousers, and my waistcoat... where are... they?..."
"Ah, yes. The nudity. Well, we've found that metal objects can interfere with the time travel process. Plus, this way you can pretend you're in 'The Terminator.'"
"'The... Terma...? What are you saying, kind sir?"
"It's a popular photoplay -- oh, there's so much to get you caught up on!"
"So, this is the future..."
"Indeed. Mr. President, today you will be witness to the amazing accomplishments and heady advancements of human beings. Truly, this is an age of wonder. There is no mystery that lies unsolved, no skill that is unmastered, no feat that cannot be achieved. Hey, how's about some Chicken Fries?"
"Why, this foodstuff is shaped like the fried potatoes I sampled on a recent trip to Paris -- and yet it is comprised entirely of the flesh of the common chicken! Future, I LOVE YOU!"
Oh, and that fellatio thing? Well, Burger King decided to market these Chicken Fries with a fake metal band named... here it comes... Coq Roq. Because if anything will make you want to buy and consume Chicken Fries, it's a fake metal band that speaks only on behalf of large fast-food chains.
Then, Burger King got into some trouble with parent groups. It seems their website for the fake band featured fake Polaroids of fake "Coq Roq groupies" -- these were actual attractive young women seen devouring Chicken Fries -- accompanied by captions like "Girls Love Coq." Yeah. Good stuff. Also, as a bonus, they referred to the gals as "Chicken Heads." Some magazine told me that this is a hip-hop term denoting a young lady with a inclination towards performing oral sex on the fellas.
So, just in case you're not already revolted by the very existence of Chicken Fries, there's a casual sexual suggestion and some objectification of women thrown in there, just to seal the deal. Way to go, Burger King. Here's your medal. Now can I get a strawberry milkshake for my man James K. Polk here? And how's about some pants for the guy, if you got 'em?
posted by Brad Stevens at 3:31 PM
